...Okay, I've told you about what I do and all that, all the arbiter crap. And because of that, I don't really...
[...How do you even.]
I don't know. We forget people. A lot. Because we're designed that way. We forget everyone we meet after a few weeks if it takes that long.
So it's kind of weird to me to not replace people? Because I'm not used to having people to begin with, and even if I do have people, once they're gone it's not like I'm going to remember they were there at all.
[And that's...weird and vehement, though it's not really angry; just incredibly sharp.]
Look, I'm not going to forget about you or anything, don't be an idiot. It's like you said, things are different here - I still remember the shit that was going on back in the tower, so it's not like I'm going to forget anything that happens here either!
[Nowi tips her head again but that seems to have calmed her down.]
Well yeah, that's good! We'll be here for awhile so even if... even if you do forget some stuff when you go back home, at least it won't matter while we're here!
[Nowi kicks her legs for a moment but she's still focused on Ginti.]
I know I'm... kinda out there most of the time and maybe you wouldn't want to talk to me about stuff like that because I'm not really the sort of person who's good at that. But if you want to, I'll listen. I dunno if I can help, but I'm here, okay?
[It's quieter than it usually is; this entire thing is kind of a shitshow and he's not sure how much he wants to mention it, but it's not like ignoring it's been doing much good either.
Because things are different here and there's no forgetting everything that isn't convenient.]
You remember how I told you a long time ago that I did some stuff back home that wasn't exactly good? I didn't tell you what, but it was really questionable?
[It's blunt as hell, but there isn't a lot of emotional output behind it, surprisingly enough. Just kind of out there.]
It wasn't like war or trying to protect myself or anything. I wanted this girl gone so I lied to her and convinced her to let herself get sent to the Void. Promised I'd save her boyfriend if she let me do it.
[Nowi glances down at the city as she considers Ginti's words.]
Why did you do that? It doesn't sound like something you'd just do randomly. You've been really nice to me and I don't think you're a bad person. So there's more to that story, right?
...She'd been around for a while. Like an assistant, you know? I wanted to see if I could get answers out of her, to see if she'd react differently to things than most humans do.
She was just like the rest in the end, and she was annoying as hell on top of it. So I decided I wanted to get rid of her.
[He shrugs a bit, though eye contact isn't exactly a thing.]
I don't know. The original choice didn't involve her, it involved deciding between sparing the guy she liked and sending some person she didn't know to the Void. Whatever she said wouldn't matter for either of the other people - the guy she liked had already been sent to the Void and there wasn't any saving him from that, and I wasn't going to touch the other person based on her decision because no? Even I get that that's not something you do, and I'd catch hell for it from Nona even if I didn't. What mattered was the choice. Leaving her guy dead would get her reincarnated, killing the stranger would get her sent to the Void, that'd be it.
She just decided to go herself instead of sending somebody else, and I didn't argue with her because she was still making the damn choice for me.
[She falls silent again as she thinks about it. The silence doesn't last for long though.]
I don't really understand, 'cause I don't know what it's like for you. I'm a Manakete, not an Arbiter and not a human. So I don't really understand and I don't think I ever will. But it sounds like that wasn't really the right decision to make. Offering her a choice like that is pretty cruel, isn't it? I think I would have done the same thing if I was her. I would have sacrificed myself to save someone I really care about.
But that doesn't necessarily mean that she was a good person either. I don't know and I don't have any way of knowing that.
Maybe Arbiters aren't anything like humans or Manaketes, but we make mistakes. A lot of mistakes sometimes. And sometimes those mistakes are really, really bad. Sometimes they get people killed.
[She tips her head a bit.]
I don't think what you did was right. I feel really bad for that girl. But I still really, really like you, Ginti. I'm glad you told me about this. Is there anything I can do to help?
[It isn't really answering her question or anything, but it's something that probably should be said anyway; he doesn't get why, but it's something that he needs to verify before anything else - because Mayu sure as shit didn't do anything wrong and he doesn't want Nowi thinking that she did.]
She was an okay person, she was just weird, and she was weird in that sort of way that makes you not have many friends. Really loud, really fixated on stupid things, kind of an idiot. She was lonely a lot, I guess, so she spent all her time being obsessed with this guy. He was a musician, he treated her like crap during the game and he treated a bunch of other people worse when he was alive, so I sent him to the Void for all that.
She wasn't anything like he was, though, she died because of an accident, she fell and cracked her head open. So it's not like she deserved anything she got, she was just weird in a way no one really has patience for.
[...]
...I've been thinking about her a lot, I guess. Don't worry about it too much, though, I'm bad at this sort of thing so I've got no idea what to tell you.
I mean, that's how we do things. It's an acceptable way to judge people, I would have gotten yelled at by Nona at least if it wasn't. So it's not like I did anything wrong, I guess?
[...]
Outside of...murdering someone. I don't know, it's complicated - it's like I get why it's fucked up and everything, but at the same time it didn't feel like a wrong thing to do.
Hmm... Well, that's not really what I meant. What do you feel about it now? Things were different back there. But you've had some time to think about it here, so what do you feel now?
...Okay, look, I've already explained a lot of why we're messed up, so I guess we might as well get the rest over with. The reason I don't do feelings is because we're not supposed to have any. At all. No emotional attachment, no sympathy, nothing, because it just gets in the way and it's going to make us suffer.
I think I'm broken or something, with regards to that, because I get pissed off a lot and I'm not as even-tempered as the rest are, but even if that's the case then it's not like I can talk to people and figure it out, you know?
So that's why I don't...know a lot of these things.
Oh... So before you showed up here you weren't supposed to have any emotions? Wow. That... I don't really know how to feel about that. I don't think that would be a good thing. I think I can get why you weren't supposed to though - how could you make fair judgements if emotions got in the way, right?
[It sounds really cold though. Nowi chews on her lip for a moment while she tries to figure out what to say.]
But you feel emotions and stuff here, right? Is it a lot different from how you were back there?
Obviously I didn't know what you were like back there and I still don't really get all of the Arbiter stuff. But I like how you are now and you're still my bestest best friend. I don't think what you did was right, but the fact that you know it was wrong is probably a good thing. I think. I wish I could help you with it, but all I can really do is listen. I don't mind doing that though!
...Sometimes listening is good enough, though. I've seen more than enough people that could have benefited from a good shake and talking to somebody about their damn issues, trust me.
I'll always be here, if you need that sorta thing! I know I can be really childish, but I'll try to be serious for you!
[Nowi's really pleased with that though and she's beaming again.]
And of course you're my friend! I mean, like I said, people make a lot of mistakes. It's not like I've been perfectly good all my life! Though that was more... because I had to and because I'm kinda serving in an army. But... I think it's really important not to get totally torn up over mistakes like that. Yeah, it's bad. I'm not gonna try to say it isn't. But that's not gonna change how I think about you. Especially since you know it was wrong and you're conflicted about the whole thing.
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invigorating) wrote2015-05-03 07:08 pm
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What are you talking about?
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[...How do you even.]
I don't know. We forget people. A lot. Because we're designed that way. We forget everyone we meet after a few weeks if it takes that long.
So it's kind of weird to me to not replace people? Because I'm not used to having people to begin with, and even if I do have people, once they're gone it's not like I'm going to remember they were there at all.
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[She glances away and resumes kicking her legs while she thinks.]
...But you're not gonna forget me, right? 'Cause it's different here.
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[And that's...weird and vehement, though it's not really angry; just incredibly sharp.]
Look, I'm not going to forget about you or anything, don't be an idiot. It's like you said, things are different here - I still remember the shit that was going on back in the tower, so it's not like I'm going to forget anything that happens here either!
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Well yeah, that's good! We'll be here for awhile so even if... even if you do forget some stuff when you go back home, at least it won't matter while we're here!
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...Yeah. Yeah, exactly.
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...Are you okay?
[The question is quieter and more serious than Nowi usually gets.]
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I had a conversation with someone that kinda messed me up a while ago, that's all. I'll get over it.
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[Nowi kicks her legs for a moment but she's still focused on Ginti.]
I know I'm... kinda out there most of the time and maybe you wouldn't want to talk to me about stuff like that because I'm not really the sort of person who's good at that. But if you want to, I'll listen. I dunno if I can help, but I'm here, okay?
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[It's quieter than it usually is; this entire thing is kind of a shitshow and he's not sure how much he wants to mention it, but it's not like ignoring it's been doing much good either.
Because things are different here and there's no forgetting everything that isn't convenient.]
You remember how I told you a long time ago that I did some stuff back home that wasn't exactly good? I didn't tell you what, but it was really questionable?
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[It's blunt as hell, but there isn't a lot of emotional output behind it, surprisingly enough. Just kind of out there.]
It wasn't like war or trying to protect myself or anything. I wanted this girl gone so I lied to her and convinced her to let herself get sent to the Void. Promised I'd save her boyfriend if she let me do it.
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[Nowi glances down at the city as she considers Ginti's words.]
Why did you do that? It doesn't sound like something you'd just do randomly. You've been really nice to me and I don't think you're a bad person. So there's more to that story, right?
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She was just like the rest in the end, and she was annoying as hell on top of it. So I decided I wanted to get rid of her.
[He shrugs a bit, though eye contact isn't exactly a thing.]
I don't know. The original choice didn't involve her, it involved deciding between sparing the guy she liked and sending some person she didn't know to the Void. Whatever she said wouldn't matter for either of the other people - the guy she liked had already been sent to the Void and there wasn't any saving him from that, and I wasn't going to touch the other person based on her decision because no? Even I get that that's not something you do, and I'd catch hell for it from Nona even if I didn't. What mattered was the choice. Leaving her guy dead would get her reincarnated, killing the stranger would get her sent to the Void, that'd be it.
She just decided to go herself instead of sending somebody else, and I didn't argue with her because she was still making the damn choice for me.
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[She falls silent again as she thinks about it. The silence doesn't last for long though.]
I don't really understand, 'cause I don't know what it's like for you. I'm a Manakete, not an Arbiter and not a human. So I don't really understand and I don't think I ever will. But it sounds like that wasn't really the right decision to make. Offering her a choice like that is pretty cruel, isn't it? I think I would have done the same thing if I was her. I would have sacrificed myself to save someone I really care about.
But that doesn't necessarily mean that she was a good person either. I don't know and I don't have any way of knowing that.
Maybe Arbiters aren't anything like humans or Manaketes, but we make mistakes. A lot of mistakes sometimes. And sometimes those mistakes are really, really bad. Sometimes they get people killed.
[She tips her head a bit.]
I don't think what you did was right. I feel really bad for that girl. But I still really, really like you, Ginti. I'm glad you told me about this. Is there anything I can do to help?
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[It isn't really answering her question or anything, but it's something that probably should be said anyway; he doesn't get why, but it's something that he needs to verify before anything else - because Mayu sure as shit didn't do anything wrong and he doesn't want Nowi thinking that she did.]
She was an okay person, she was just weird, and she was weird in that sort of way that makes you not have many friends. Really loud, really fixated on stupid things, kind of an idiot. She was lonely a lot, I guess, so she spent all her time being obsessed with this guy. He was a musician, he treated her like crap during the game and he treated a bunch of other people worse when he was alive, so I sent him to the Void for all that.
She wasn't anything like he was, though, she died because of an accident, she fell and cracked her head open. So it's not like she deserved anything she got, she was just weird in a way no one really has patience for.
[...]
...I've been thinking about her a lot, I guess. Don't worry about it too much, though, I'm bad at this sort of thing so I've got no idea what to tell you.
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I'm not just going to forget about it, Ginti. You told me and you said it's been on your mind, so why would I ignore that?
...Are you sorry for what you did to her? It's okay if you don't know, but do you think that's why you've been thinking about her so much?
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[He's sort of headtilting, though.]
I mean, that's how we do things. It's an acceptable way to judge people, I would have gotten yelled at by Nona at least if it wasn't. So it's not like I did anything wrong, I guess?
[...]
Outside of...murdering someone. I don't know, it's complicated - it's like I get why it's fucked up and everything, but at the same time it didn't feel like a wrong thing to do.
I'm not good at this whole feelings thing.
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[...]
...Okay, look, I've already explained a lot of why we're messed up, so I guess we might as well get the rest over with. The reason I don't do feelings is because we're not supposed to have any. At all. No emotional attachment, no sympathy, nothing, because it just gets in the way and it's going to make us suffer.
I think I'm broken or something, with regards to that, because I get pissed off a lot and I'm not as even-tempered as the rest are, but even if that's the case then it's not like I can talk to people and figure it out, you know?
So that's why I don't...know a lot of these things.
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[It sounds really cold though. Nowi chews on her lip for a moment while she tries to figure out what to say.]
But you feel emotions and stuff here, right? Is it a lot different from how you were back there?
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[...Ginti, that's kind of...]
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[SHRUG]
Obviously I didn't know what you were like back there and I still don't really get all of the Arbiter stuff. But I like how you are now and you're still my bestest best friend. I don't think what you did was right, but the fact that you know it was wrong is probably a good thing. I think. I wish I could help you with it, but all I can really do is listen. I don't mind doing that though!
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So thanks. For that.
[...]
All of...that. The friend thing too, I guess.
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[Nowi's really pleased with that though and she's beaming again.]
And of course you're my friend! I mean, like I said, people make a lot of mistakes. It's not like I've been perfectly good all my life! Though that was more... because I had to and because I'm kinda serving in an army. But... I think it's really important not to get totally torn up over mistakes like that. Yeah, it's bad. I'm not gonna try to say it isn't. But that's not gonna change how I think about you. Especially since you know it was wrong and you're conflicted about the whole thing.
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